It’s a strange thing, when living through it, I didn’t have the clarity of vision to push-back the responsibility from myself back to my parents, but simply accepted it to be my role. It must have been right if it was expected of me from my parents right? So I made myself available often taking short notice time off work when needed to ferry them about, to support mum through her many operations when dad abdicated this role, the list is long.
It’s not just the physical support that steals your time and energy but far more of a challenge is coping with the emotional baggage.
I’ve woken up to it too late to recognise there could have been a different way, a healthier way, a fairer way.
It’s not been all ‘one-way’. My mum has been needy its true but she’s given a lot back too. But in terms of core responsibility, ours has been a topsy turvy relationship with the children expected to be the adults.

Thanks Cat for this piece in your blog. It’s enlightening and helped me to evalulate things with the perspective you offer too. And I promise you this. You’ll never get pressure from me on the grandchildren subject!

I understand completely your appreciation of the way it is changing your relationship to your parents into something more rounded and mature: it’s something I experienced last month when we spent a long w/e with my parents, doing chores for them (cleaning, shopping, cooking) after my mother came out of hospital with pneumonia. For a few days, they allowed me to show that I am not still 4 years old, that I can be relied upon to do grown-up things, that I do not have to be protected from everything and needn’t remain the last person they would think of calling upon for help, which sadly tends to be the case. They are terrible at accepting help from anyone, but especially from me. A few years ago, my dad was banned from revealing to me that he’d had a minor stroke because my mother thought it would upset me. Another time, he was in hospital with bleeding and suspected cancer and it was 4 days before I could reach either of them on the phone: I had no idea why nobody was answering. She’d been at home most of that time, but thought it best simply not to get in touch with me at all.

The grandchildren thing was always different for me, because of my mother’s inability to communicate things in a straightforward way. She always impressed on me how much of a burden her sister’s grandchildren were to her - “How can they [my cousins] DO that to her, going and having more??” - and gave every indication that she thought I wasn’t a capable adult and that children would likely never be part of the picture anyway. When I got pregnant, my grandmother whispered to me when my mum was out of the room: “Your mother’s always moaning, ‘They’re never going to give me any grandchildren’ …!”

Anyway … Now my mum is recovered from the pneumonia, it seems she’s back to her normal controlling, overbearing self, but I’m thinking maybe that will change as she and my dad grow less able to do stuff for themselves. It will HAVE to change, eventually. And relying on others, even family, is my father’s worst nightmare: when I was a kid, he used to tell me he wanted me to “put a bullet in his head” when he reached the age of 60. He is 80 now. Oh boy, am I in for a ride.

I think our parents give us the security of our childhood and are in general constant figures in our life (whether we like it or not!), I still turn to mine for advice and seek approval from them, although I’d like to think that they do the same from me.

It’s surprising when our parents turn out to be ordinary people isn’t it?

And I’m trying really hard not to comment on the grandchildren thing!

I recall a shift too in my late teens when my mum started to confide in me with her worries, and my dad started to argue with me on politics and other stuff, and crucially conceded I had a point a few times. They had allowed me to grow, which I must remember when my children get to that age.

My mother also said when her mother died it suddenly dawned on her that she was now head of the family, and she found that so scary. Though she is such a capable person, a part of her still wanted a parent around for support. I suspect I will be the same.

Thanks for this.

This was beautiful. Thanks for writing it and sharing it.